Jessica & Jared

Jessica: You manipulated the situation. You buying shares in the vineyard is no more a coincidence than you showing up in Llanview in the first place.
Jared: You are always the drama queen.


Jessica: I am a different person now.
Jared: Aren't we all? I became a vineyard owner. That's a first.


[Jessica punches Jared in the stomach]
Jared: Oh! Oh -- you feel better?
Jessica: Not yet. (she holds up her fist to punch him again)


Jared: (to Jessica) Well, it's good to see marriage and motherhood hasn't completely domesticated you. I was beginning to think there wasn't anything left of the girl I knew.


Jared: (to Jessica) I have a policy about married women. Not unless it's absolutely unavoidable.


Nash: (to Jessica) The poker game, the vineyard, the job at B.E. -- it's all about you. This guy's obsessed with you.
Natalie: Okay, why don't we just call it a night?
Jared: Oh, and miss the heartbreaking confession scene?
Jessica: Shut up. Listen, we'll just talk about this at home, okay?
Jared: (to Nash) Word of warning -- your wife's got a major tell -- if she gets naked, she's lying.


Jessica: Please, just hear us out, and -- and if you don't believe us, then you can call the police when we're done, okay?
Jared: All right, let's hear it.
Jessica: Uh -- this isn't going to be easy for you to believe.
Jared: Oh, what, I'm going to have a hard time believing the total stranger who set me up just for the hell of it?


Jared: (to Jessica) A split personality? That's good. Well, unfortunately for you, baby cakes, it wasn't my evil twin that you had thrown in the can.


Jessica: Natalie, come on, you can handle this jerk. Just kick him out on his ass.
Jared: See? Now, there's the Tess that I knew.
Nash: No, no, no, that's not Tess. That's Jess.


Jessica: (to Jared) You hurt my sister, what Tess did to you will be a happy memory compared to what I'll do to you.


[Jared is threatening to send Jessica away to prison]
Jared: (to Nash) If I talk, she does time -- you know, maybe not two years like I did, but any time away could crack fragile Jessica. Okay, you know what? You really want to dredge up all that history in a courtroom? (he imitates Jessica) "I didn't do it, your honor. It was my evil twin."


[Jared blackmails Nash and Jessica into letting him move into their cottage]
Jessica: Jared, why are you here? Why are you here? We hate you! This is my and Nash's home. We're trying -- we're trying to raise a baby here, Jared.
Jared: It's a good thing I like kids.


[Melba and Boo invite Jared to play poker with them]
Jessica: (to Jared) It's not like you have a job to go to or anything.


Jessica: You're making our lives a living hell.
Jared: Yeah, well, payback's a bitch, and so are you.


Jessica: So you're just going to torture us forever and ever and ever?
Jared: Well, maybe just other couple of years, you know, to make up for some lost time I spent in prison.
[Jessica blows a raspberry at Jared]


Jared: It's fine, it's fine. I'm cool with it. I'm -- I'm just going to go change.
[Jared leaves]
Jessica: (to Nash and Natale) You know how you could tell that he was "cool with it"? By the vein popping on his forehead.


Jessica: (to Natalie) Jared's good-looking, and -- and he's charming when he wants to be. (to Nash) Not as charming as you, dear.


[Jessica decided not to rat Jared out to Renee]
Jared: It was a good move, not telling her how "Tess" and I met. I think she might have felt sorry for me. Who knows? She might have signed over 51% of this house for what you did to me.
Jessica: I'm going to check on Renee. Although she's not admitting it, I don't think she's in very good shape.
Jared: Are you going to tell her about our little Tess-capades?


Jessica: Chuck is one fine-looking ranch owner.
Nash: Must I remind you that you are a married lady, young lady?
Jared: Yeah, well, it never stopped her before.
[Nash punches Jared]


[Jared has brought blankets for Nash and Jessica]
Jared: You looked cold.
Jessica: Wow. Genuine human impulse. Who knew?
Jared: Yeah, well, I'm just protecting my investment.


[Jessica invites a skeptical Jared to a Christmas party]
Jessica: The truth is, the situation stinks, but it is what it is, so we're trying to make the most of it.
Jared: This is a ringing endorsement for that holiday party.